As I sit awake in bed at 1:50 in the morning I have realized that I've never pulled an all nighter, but I don't know if I want to start now. I have an outline of a paper hidden behind my facebook and blogger screen waiting to be touched, but all I can think is not yet. I don't think I'm ready to finish it yet. I want to so that sleep could be a possibility, but I don't want to because currently I'm not content enough to go to sleep.

This morning I finally vocalized my biggest fear in life, a fear I've known I've had for quite some time now, but something I had not completley admitted. The fear of being along for the rest of my life. We all think we're going to be, but somehow I know that I'm going to be the exception. I'm going to be the bridesmaid who never gets married. I'm going to be the cool aunt, and mother's best friend who doesn't have a family of her own, so she is always there to help out.. to fill some sort of a void. And I think the worst part of that fear is that I am quickly coming to realize that if I never get married, if I never have children.... I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. I have no idea what I want to take up my time. I am an incredibly impatient person who can't even stay at a school for longer than three years without qswitching it up, so how am I supposed to have stability in my work life. I always need a new challenge, I always need my own time to do what I need to do. How am I supposed to work behind a desk? This fear of being alone is really a fear of being stuck, stuck in a life that I will know nothing about and I'll sit one day and think where that girl was who wore the pink chino pants and ran around Berkeley like she had nothing to lose. And I don't want that. I need someone who will love me for exactly who I am, the ups and the downs, the cool to the crazy... because I really can be crazy. And, I'm afraid that I'll never find him. I'm afraid that god thinks I have enough incredible friends that have been there for me since the sixth grade, that I don't need anything else. Because in these last eight/nine years this group has given me everything I've needed. Stability, love, trust, emotional support, sometimes physical too (there are boys in this group..) that I haven't needed to stray from it. I have, but never out of necessity. Everything I could possibly need in like I get from these qtwelve people... but what if I want it all from one. Am I being selfish?

It is a weird thing when something you have anticipated for so long happens. I guess this has happened to me a lot recently with college and certain events over my extended winter break, but especially last week and Sunday. Anticipation is a very funny thing. It can either make something amazing because all the nervous energy you are feeling explodes or it can create "The Brokeback effect" as I call it. When someone has told you so much about how amaing something is going to be and then when it happens you're ready for this life changing thing and... oh... its whatever. Thats what happened to me with Brokeback Mountain. But that is NOT what is happeneing to me now and last week and last sunday because I am now a pledge in the Epsilon Chi chapter of Alpha Omicron Pi at Elon University and couldn't be happier.

Do you ever do something and it just clicks, or talk to someone and know that very moment that you could be best friends with them? Well, that is what I experienced last week when I first entered the AOII house. I have been dreaming of joining a sorority for as long as I can remember and even the first few days have surpassed all of my expectations. There is really no way to describe how much I love walking around campus with my I <3 AOII pin.

But anticipation has been a major feeling I've had in the past couple of months and finally I'm not anticipating anything because everything has happened. Be it a good or a bad thing I'm really glad that I've gotten back into my habit of following my gut becuase life got a little boring and now its returning to form. Being home was so good for me. It was the exact refreshing feeling I needed to give me a jump start for second semester.