Promises Promises

I promised myself I wasn't going to do something. I had three whole months to think of exactly what I was going to say instead of what I normally do, but when it all came down to it I couldn't bring myself not to do it. And not it as in the dirty meaning, it as in what I had promised myself I wasn't going to do. I am helpless when it comes to this particular thing. Absolutely helpless. I just melt. But at least I won't be able to fuck up like this again until May, if I even get the chance to fuck up again. Its just not the right time to do this thing. Someday there will be a right time, but its not now even though all I want in the world is for that time to be now.

I can't wait until tomorrow when I tell my friends who had been helping not to do what I didn't want to do, but really did want to do, what I did... not.

In the last month or so since my last post I have been doing a lot of thinking. There have been multiple occasions when something has happened that I've wanted to write about, but I would get to my computer at a time that I was to tired or focused on finals to really write. Many things I've wanted to talk about have also been a little too specific to put on the internet. But things I've wanted to write about include:

1. Coming home after exactly one hundred days of being away.
2. A Chorus Line
   
3. The difference between a relationship and being exclusive with someone, (because when it comes down to it, there isn't a difference).
4. How my heart seems to break all to easily.
5. Why I am going to stop drinking.
6. Finding respect for myself, which I was seriously lacking.
7. My family.

Each of these things could really be a full length post on their own, but seeing as I was seriously lacking in free time to type about everything I was feeling I'm going to have to cram this here.

1. Before the holidays when everyone at Elon was preparing to go home they were all so sad. Everyone had made friends at Elon that they liked better than the ones at home. I honestly don't understand it. I've made good friends at school, I really have but there is no comparing to the people at home. I've been making friends in the bay area since I started pre school at Mrs. Griffins. In all honesty the majority of my friends now I've only had since the sixth grade, but still that is so long. I started at Prospect Sierra in 2001, and now its 2008 almost 2009 and the friendships I made there have only gotten stronger. I just don't understand how you're supposed to spend 18 years making these incredible friendships and they're just supposed to fade away in college. It doesn't make sence to me. I have this incredible group that knows so much about me and knows when I can take some playful criticism and when I can't. They know all about my crazy-complicated boy related issues. They know that my volume control goes out the window whenever I get excited, if I even had volume control to begin with. They know EVERYTHING, and what? People in college are just supposed to trump that out? I couldn't imagine life without these kids, because thats what we are, kids. I mean, I may be going to jury duty and voting, but on the inside I am still that awkward thirteen year old, and my friends know that. They know whats up. So coming home I was crazy nervous because I was afraid that after an ok first semester at college I'd just been building them up and maybe they weren't as wonderful as I'd remembered... but I was so right. These people are amazing. After last night there is no comparing.

2. Ok... after that. A Chorus Line. ACL was the senior show this winter at Elon, and it was fantastic. BUT it got me thinking back to 2005 when I was this 6' tall freshmen in ACL with all these seniors who scared me to death, because I thought they all HATED me. But that show made my LIFE. I mean, being in ACL when you are fifteen singing about all the awkward teenage years is really ironic. I was singing about experimentation and growing up as I was growing up. And boy did I grow up in that production. Now its a bit TMI for a blog but I had A LOT of firsts during that production... not that first, but a lot of them. I was surrounded by all the cool older high school kids, at least thats how they seemed to me, and they were. Theatre at BHS really went in a downhill slope after the class of 2005 graduated. But ACL was such a major part of my growing up and i'm so glad I had the opportunity to be in it. Watching the senior's show reminded me of that fact.

3. Can someone PLEASE explain to me what the difference between having a relationship and being exclusive. I mean, really. Ok - being exclusive - you've promised the other person that they're the only person you're hooking up with. This means that a) you care about the other person enough to make a promise to them; b) you obviously aren't interested in anyone else enough to keep your options open; and c) you aren't afraid of committment because a promise to be exclusive is a committment. And don't those three critera meet in a relationship also?

4. I want to talk about this... but not yet. Not until I get to visit the third person I was looking forward to seeing this break.

5. For anyone who knew me in high school, this part comes as a shock... which is part of the reason I'm doing it. I love changing my state of mind just as much as the next person, using substance as a way to escape all the thoughts that are constantly going through my head about problems at home, and problems that I seem to create for myself. I use substance as a way to escape from the real world, but the truth is when you're drunk you're still in the real world and you are making decisions that are going to be very real the next day when you're no longer in a state that allows you to disregard the consequences of your actions. I don't need to do that anymore. Yes, I'm still going to have the occational glass of wine, or beer BUT I no longer want to drink to get drunk, which is what most people my age do. I got to Elon with a lot of people who hadn't had the crazy high school experiance I had had. They didn't go to the kinds of parties I went to, so a kegger was a new consept to them. Kids at Berkeley High make it a goal to grow up too fast. We partied like college kids, but freshmen year. And to be honest, our parties were better. Having at least four themed dance parties a year that EVERYONE went to really was incredible. Now that I'm in college I've already done the whole "lets get crazy and not remember this tomorrow" thing. I'm ready to do well and get good grades and strive for excelence... definitely something I didn't do in high school.

6. Numbers five and six really go along hand in hand. With not drinking comes the fact that I need to start taking responsibility for myself. I need to not contaminate my body with things that are hazardous. I want to live a healthy life which doesn't involve liver or lung cancer. I also need to respect myself. I need to learn how to make the best decisions for myself and not for whoever is around me at the time. I need to start taking better care of me. I need to be happy with everything in my life because there are so many people out there that don't have anything close to what I do; that haven't been given opportunities like I have. I need to understand how good I have it.

7. Another one that is too touchy. I think the only time I've ever actually articulated exactly how I feel about this situation was to Wes when he was driving me home. Its like it was word vomit. He asked me one question and I didn't shut up from the marin circle to dwight and shattuck. It was like this inner monologue that needed to flow out but hadn't been given an opportunity to yet. But now that I know what I want to say and do I have the absolute hardest time being in a room with him, not that it was all happy go lucky before. But everytime I even see him I want to run and hide so I won't just start yelling and put myself in danger. I don't know what anyone else thinks, but in my opinion its 100% not ok to sleep in a house that you don't even feel safe in.

Ahhhhhhhhhh. I feel better now.

On the wall of Fat Apples

"I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet. The proper function of man is to live, not to exists. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time." - Jack London

Procrastination Station

When all I have to do is homework and I have nothing else on my schedule, nothing to make me get my homework done before, and no other obligations... well the homework doesn't get done.
It just sits in a pile next to me waiting for me to touch it. Waiting for me to pick it up and get to work... which, even though I had 8 hours in the after noon to do it, won't get touched until about 9pm. Then I'll work for MAYBE an hour until I think I should go to bed. I need more sleep, so I want to go to bed early. BUT I know I won't get to sleep so I turn to my favorite website... surf the channel. That site ruins my life. I mean, I LOVE it, which is why its successfully helped me in putting off homework for EVERY SINGLE CLASS EVER.

I am terrified of next semester because I'm afraid that I won't be able to do anything. I had very limited amounts of work this semester, and I got through it. But I can't handle piles and piles of homework. I don't have the will power of my suit mate who wakes up three hours before her class to finish the work. Hell, I can't even wake up in time for my class most of the time. I need to learn how to be an adult, because its time.

19

Today I turned 19.

It feels weird. I don't know what to think of 19. 18 was such a big age because of the voting thing and well... being 18 is huge, but I really don't know about 19. The age doesn't make sense because you're still a teenager but your really not a teen. You're too old for the teen activities at gatherings, but not considered an adult because you're still not 21. I have a feeling 20 is going to be a weird age as well. And then thinking that i'm going to be "in my twenties" a year from now freaks me out. Because next thing I know I'll be 24 then 28 then, god forbid, 30. And I fear that I won't be married, I'll be living with my mother in Berkeley with no career because I could never settle. I could never settle on anything. Even now I have so many back up plans for work and play in my life because I know what a fucking fickle person I am. I wish I could stick with something. I wish I had the will power to go through with everything I want to go through with. I wish I hadn't always ended things just when I got scared or bored. I wish I gave more people chances. I always say, have no regrets. But maybe because I think about trying not to regret things I end up regreting the things I did that in the moment I thought were the best.

I'm starting to realize how much life speeds past you. In life you are always counting down until something... the next birthday (365 days), the next time I will get to go home (14 days), the next time I will get to see you (?), so you don't take time to appreciate what is happening as you are living. Today the count down for me was to when my flight would get off the ground... 4 hours later on a runway in JFK with a crowd of Elon students sitting around me in the seats we finally took off. And that is how I spent my 19th birthday. It started off rocky with the rain, then smoothed out with a nice breakfast and a terrific cupcake, but ended up with me wanting to throw up all over a bowing 747. Lets just say I hope next year is better.

On The Radio

My Best Boy (space) Friend.

Joshua Eberhardt or Caleb Eberhardt as some people know him is one of my best friends in the enitre world. Honestly, there is no putting into words how amazing of a person he is and how talented he is. The first time I saw him do a monologue I was blown away, but thats not even what he does. He is a mucisian. He writes music and plays the quitar. He is just so smart and intelligent and incredible. I don't want to go on rambling about his talents for pages, even though I could. But anyways, please, if ANYONE even reads this go to his page on facebook

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Caleb-Eberhardt/23976396084?sid=484c1351cb5c4c51418beb7c2c17fe15&refurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Fs.php%3Fq%3Dcaleb%2Beberhardt%26init%3Dq%26sid%3D484c1351cb5c4c51418beb7c2c17fe15&ref=s#/pages/Caleb-Eberhardt/23976396084

and listen and if you like what you hear become a fan and buy his music on iTunes. Within my first week of having the album the play count was at 12 for every song.

Also, sometimes he is on purchaseradio.com because he is a student at SUNY Purchase, which was just rated #1 for college Acting programs and Julliard was #2.

My family is so beautiful. I have yet to meet this one, but I have a seven month old nephew, Noa. Who I can already tell has his moma's huge smile. I need to get to Hawaii ASAP.

But, I have realized that this week is one of three school weeks left before Christmas break/ me being home for 6 weeks. I can't wait to get back to the bay. This is the longest that I have been away from home in my life. Even at Idyllwild I managed to get home on a weekend, but I guess thats because an hour flight is very different than a 5 hour flight, when you're lucky to find a non connecting. Normally my travel time is around 7 or 8 hours all together because of changing flights in Las Vegas or Chicago. I have also never spent this much time outside of California, which is crazy. I have not been home for te month of October in two years, which is quite sad because October is one of my favorite months in Berkeley. When the leafs on the trees up Forrest St. are al over and I get to jump in them. The leaves here aren't as crunchy. Maybe its because they're not as big.

My parents are coming to see my show this weekend. I am in the Community Theatre of Greensboro's 14th annual production of The Wizard of Oz, which is pretty intense. But I am very excited that I get to see the fam the week before thanksgiving and my birthday.

I've been thinking a lot latley about distractions, because I am the queen of distractions. I find myself caught up in them all the time. One phone call, or instant message, from the person who I most want to hear from but not at that particular moment can completely throw off my entire day, or weekend... or month.

It may have been one of the shortest most life-changing events of my life, but I don't know if I've ever cried over one person so much. And the tears weren't always about being upset with the situation, which I was. The tears were about the fact that something truley amazing happened and in the blink of an eye it was gone. They were tears of joy and disbelief at the same time. They were about the fact that I had finally found something, someone, who cared and then it was over. And having it pop up on my screen after three months of nothing............. I couldn't handel my summer because of you, and I couldn't handel being in Berkeley, and I couldn't handel anything. I finally found myself because of you, truley started to understand myself. And then poof. Gone. I really was looking forward to seeing you too... even if I knew how it was going to end up.

100 Things

I have wanted to make a list of 100 things to do before I die for a while now, but I can't sit down and just write 100 things. They come to me at different times, so this is one I'm going to have to come back to, hopefully often but as of 11/14/2008 I have:

1. Get Married
2. Have a child (with my husband)
3. Obtain some sort of seat in a political area... mayor/congress person/ senator (!)
4. Sing at my sisters wedding... I guess this also includes watching my sister get married
5. See my other sister pregnant... but this means hoping she has a fifth... because I have yet to see her pregnant
6. Be a maid of honor
7. Become better at keeping in contact with people who have really meant a lot to me
8. Sing at my dad's funeral (Wishing You Were Somehoe Here Again) he loves Phantom.
9. Be truley happy.... not happy because i'm making someone else happy, but happy because i've done something or figured something out that has helped me in this crazy process of finding out who I am.
10. Get completely over someone.
11. Talk to someone all night long about anything and everything.
12. Finish a knitting project.
13. Live in New York City.
14. Live in a different country.
15. Raise my children at 2705 Hillegass Ave.
16. Have a waitress job.
17. Work at Lair of the Bear Camp Blue.

.... (to be continued)

November 4, 2008

America elected its very first black president.

I have to say, I'm happy that the election is over. With it being the first time I got to actually participate in the election I am proud to be an American. But at the same time I am so incredibly sick of every add on the TV being for Elizabeth Dole or against her. And I'm am incredibly tired of the phrase "I'm [enter name here] and I support this message." SNL is going to be very boring for a little while though, just because the political skits they have been doing have been absolutely amazing. Amy Poehler will be missed, but I bet she's going to make a terrific moma. But, I think the main reason I'm glad the election is over is that now I don't have to listen to the question every other day, "Would you vote for a black person/woman for president?" Come on, people. It is obviously not about race. I wouldn't vote for a woman just because she's a woman. I wouldn't vote for a black person just because they're black. This is about electing a president. It goes so much further than race or gender. If I like the woman and agree with her stance on major issues I will vote for her (Hilary Clinton) and if I don't like her and completly disagree with her stance on major issues I won't vote for her (Sarah Palin). I'm sick of people looking beyond the major issues from this election and making it into a statement about sexism and racism. I understand that those things are out there but people need to take a second and think, "Hmmm, who is going to run the country well?" And then maybe they'll know what they're doing.

My Mom emailed this to me!

Why did the chicken cross the road?

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change.

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

SARAH PALIN: I can see Russia from my house!

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was mislead about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new ones.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give the chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe that there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I saw we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken 2008. this new platform is much more stable and will never crash or need to be rebooted.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Damn - I missed that one.

I just thought it was funny and SO true.

Sleep Deprivation

Here I am. 11:45 pm on a Sunday night. I need to go to sleep because, like everyone in my statistics class knows, I usually make up for my lack of sleep from the night before from 8 am to 9:10 am Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. But, for some reason, since I've been in North Carolina at college I haven't gotten one full night of sleep. Even if I go to sleep early I end up either lying in bed for hours thinking about the many things I need to do, or I pass out and wake up three or four times. Maybe its because I always go to bed before my roommate is back in the room and subconsciously I am checking to make sure she arrived home safely, because the nights I wake up the most are the ones when she doesn't come home at all. But currently I am perched on my lofted bed fully aware that she is in the room directly bellow mine with her boyfriend...ish and safe and I still can't sleep.

I have too many things on my mind. I need to clear my head. I need to focus on what is really important at school, aka keeping my current straight A's and my GPA high. I need to get my homework done, which has been a problem for me since I discovered what procrastination was in high school. I need to un-discover it. I need to remember what it was like to be the only 8th grader in Burt's class to start the project the day after it was assigned. I need to remember that having three days for a paper means you have three days, not only the night before.

And my learning how to get on top of my work is just one point in my goal of learning self control. I have absolutely no self control, which I'm hoping I can fix in college. The college environment is one in which control is necessary if you want to survive. There are so many things to succum to here, like in high school, but I have to make a difference in myself. I was the poster child for peer pressure in high school. If everyone else was doing something, so was I. It made myself so incredibly self concious that I couldn't stand it. Now, I need to understand what is best for myself, not what is best for my appearance and personality towards others. I need to find myself before I can realize what I want to do for the rest of my life and who I want to do it with.

Slowing Down and Catching Up

I spend too much time playing catch up.

I constantly am trying to catch up with everything on campus. I've turned into the last person to hear the news, which is very different from who I was in high school. I feel like I spend my time hear being the last person to arrive at the party, the last one to hear about what happened the night before and especially the last one anyone cares about. But with all this catching up I hardly have time for anything. So, while catching up I need to learn how to sow down. I learned this at Idyllwild, I just need to relearn it here. I need to remind myself that its ok to stay in for a night, and that if I did miss a party or big event or something its not the end of the world. I see myself retreating into old habits I had at Berkeley High where academics where definitely not my number one priority. This is COLLEGE. They need to be first on the list. Enough is enough, and I need to realize that. I know its going to sound so hypocritical because, after all, i WAS the SEVENTH person to register for rush in January, BUT I want to be in a sorority for more than the parties. I want to participate in community service. My first choice, at this point, has The Altzheimers Foundation as their national philanthropy, and I couldn't be happier. Along with my grandmother being a sister in that group, the philanthropy gives me the opportunity to raise money for research and awareness for something that has begun to affect my grandfather. But, like always, I can't get my hopes up. Even though, I always tell myself not to get my hopes up and I end up raising them so high. Before I won prom queen I was sitting at the table saying to myself, you're not going to win, you're not going to win, while actually all I could think about was that it was going to happen. And in that situation, I got lucky. But normally i'm not so lucky. Like this entire summer... but that is NOT something for the world wide web.

I am so ADD. I really need to do something about this.

WOW

I am currently sitting in a coffee shop across the street from my school overhearing, definitely NOT trying to listen in on these two girls' conversation. I actually want to walk over to them and tell them to SHUT UP. First of all, its like these girls are having a COMPETITION to see whose life is worse and whos divorced parents hate eachother more. "My parents got divorced when I was 8 and they haven't seen each other since..." "Well, my parents lived in the same house without talking to eachother for ten years...." "Well, my dad calls me my mom's name when he's mad at me because he considers it an insult..." "Well, my dad is a raving drunk and calls me every other day to tell me he's not going to pay for college anymore..."

Okay, so I understand if you've had a hard time the past couple of years and you need someone to talk to but please, PLEASE, don't do it at 10am on a Monday morning in a coffee shop filled with students. Plus, when you want to have one of these conversations make SURE its with someone who will listen to you and offer advice, especially when its about something as hard to deal with as parents' marital problems.

These last two years I have begun to understand how important true friends really are. It is so important to stop talking and listen sometimes, and instead of going out to a party maybe spend a night just hanging out with your girls, because they're the ones who will always be there for you. Not the girl who gave you a sip of her drink, the girl who asked what was in it, who made it, and made sure you have a ride home for the night. I don't understand why friendships have to be competitions. So what you had a similar experience a couple years ago, if a friend is in the middle of a serious talk with you don't interrupt. Let them get everything out.

Girls can be catty, and backstabbing, and are the MOST passive aggressive people you will ever meet in your life, BUT they are also the best. When you need a friend there for you and they come through they can be the best. We understand each other.

I don't really know what this post is about other than the fact that these girls sitting next to me are driving me crazyyyyyyyyyyyy.

Starting Now

I guess I have always wanted to try this blogging thing, but I realized I've been living for 18, almost 19 years, where is a good starting point? I realized just this morning that I guess the first month of college is a change big enough to start a blog. I didn't want to start anything in the middle, so I guess this is fresh... well as fresh as it can get after being at college for a month. I guess a lot has happened, but at the same time I feel like I still moved in yesterday. I moved into Danieley Flat I with my seven amazing suite mates exactly a month ago today. Its so hard to believe.

College is hard. Not academically necessarily, but I do need to work harder in Statistics... maybe doing the homework would be a good starting point. College is hard because its not home. I guess I have gone to so many different summer camps, been in so many different shows, that every time I've tried something "new" in my life there has been at least one person there who I knew, or at least knew of from home. There has always been someone to connect me back. But, in Elon, North Carolina, there isn't. I entered this new world, because it really is compared to Berkeley, basically alone. Not one familiar face. I've always prided myself on my ability to make friends, but for some reason here i've had the hardest time. I wanted to start all over in college. I wanted to change. I mean, I had an amazing time in high school, but I don't know if I like who i'm becoming. Somehow, changing is a lot harder than it seems. I keep slipping back into my procrastination and other things and I just want to stop.

I guess I also thought I knew what I wanted to do with my life, boy was I wrong. I cannot stand theater. Ok, so I love it, but I will never ever study it ever again. Theater cannot CANNOT be anything other than a hobby for me. When it is anything else it becomes work and I no longer enjoy it and I cannot turn the lone thing I really love into an obligation. It has to be something I choose to do, not something I'm forced to do. I guess if I learned anything in Idyllwild that would be it. Again, don't get me wrong, I'm so glad I went there for my senior year. The people I met there really helped me understand myself. I guess that's what happens when you meet new people. They help you see a side of yourself that you never knew existed or they help you bring out a part of yourself that you wanted to show, but couldn't before.

(Something to know about me: I ramble.)

But College is hard. Not only am I going through ridiculous changes and meeting new people and all that, but my best friends are too and I hate that I'm not there with them experiencing everything. I am so jealous of everyone else. I want to know what the Boston parties are like and what the traditions at Wellsley are. I want to know what its really like to be at a USC vs. UCLA football game. I want to know what living a block away from Lincoln Center is like, and I really want to have friend who could take me out with the cast of Spring Awakening, and meet Natalie Weiss. I also would've loved to be able to go to Central Park last Monday to be in the season finale of The Battery's Down. I want to see my friends with their sororities and understand their experiences. In short, I am incredibly jealous that my friends are having these amazing experiences without me. But I guess that's what college is. Growing apart from the kids back home.

Before I left my friend told me she read this article that said your freshmen year of college school life and home life are equally important to you. Every year school gets a little bit more important while home fades away. I don't know what I'm going to do if that happens. I just spent the last 18 years of my life making friendships that I plan on lasting a lifetime. I mean my bridesmaids are at home. I don't understand how four years can rule out 18. So basically, I am going to do everything in my power for that not to happen.

(Something else to know about me: I don't let go of things easily and I cannot spell)