Starting Now

I guess I have always wanted to try this blogging thing, but I realized I've been living for 18, almost 19 years, where is a good starting point? I realized just this morning that I guess the first month of college is a change big enough to start a blog. I didn't want to start anything in the middle, so I guess this is fresh... well as fresh as it can get after being at college for a month. I guess a lot has happened, but at the same time I feel like I still moved in yesterday. I moved into Danieley Flat I with my seven amazing suite mates exactly a month ago today. Its so hard to believe.

College is hard. Not academically necessarily, but I do need to work harder in Statistics... maybe doing the homework would be a good starting point. College is hard because its not home. I guess I have gone to so many different summer camps, been in so many different shows, that every time I've tried something "new" in my life there has been at least one person there who I knew, or at least knew of from home. There has always been someone to connect me back. But, in Elon, North Carolina, there isn't. I entered this new world, because it really is compared to Berkeley, basically alone. Not one familiar face. I've always prided myself on my ability to make friends, but for some reason here i've had the hardest time. I wanted to start all over in college. I wanted to change. I mean, I had an amazing time in high school, but I don't know if I like who i'm becoming. Somehow, changing is a lot harder than it seems. I keep slipping back into my procrastination and other things and I just want to stop.

I guess I also thought I knew what I wanted to do with my life, boy was I wrong. I cannot stand theater. Ok, so I love it, but I will never ever study it ever again. Theater cannot CANNOT be anything other than a hobby for me. When it is anything else it becomes work and I no longer enjoy it and I cannot turn the lone thing I really love into an obligation. It has to be something I choose to do, not something I'm forced to do. I guess if I learned anything in Idyllwild that would be it. Again, don't get me wrong, I'm so glad I went there for my senior year. The people I met there really helped me understand myself. I guess that's what happens when you meet new people. They help you see a side of yourself that you never knew existed or they help you bring out a part of yourself that you wanted to show, but couldn't before.

(Something to know about me: I ramble.)

But College is hard. Not only am I going through ridiculous changes and meeting new people and all that, but my best friends are too and I hate that I'm not there with them experiencing everything. I am so jealous of everyone else. I want to know what the Boston parties are like and what the traditions at Wellsley are. I want to know what its really like to be at a USC vs. UCLA football game. I want to know what living a block away from Lincoln Center is like, and I really want to have friend who could take me out with the cast of Spring Awakening, and meet Natalie Weiss. I also would've loved to be able to go to Central Park last Monday to be in the season finale of The Battery's Down. I want to see my friends with their sororities and understand their experiences. In short, I am incredibly jealous that my friends are having these amazing experiences without me. But I guess that's what college is. Growing apart from the kids back home.

Before I left my friend told me she read this article that said your freshmen year of college school life and home life are equally important to you. Every year school gets a little bit more important while home fades away. I don't know what I'm going to do if that happens. I just spent the last 18 years of my life making friendships that I plan on lasting a lifetime. I mean my bridesmaids are at home. I don't understand how four years can rule out 18. So basically, I am going to do everything in my power for that not to happen.

(Something else to know about me: I don't let go of things easily and I cannot spell)