It is May. I have 15 days left at Elon until I head home for the summer. I am finally falling in love with this place and everything it stands for and I will be leaving it for something like 96 days... I counted. This morning I went to Church, Spring Garden in Greensboro, and the normal pastor, Greg, wasn't there. This really upset me and my friend Ashton so from the minute the replacement opened his sermon we completely wrote him off. I listened, but I was confused through his use of aproximately 15 stories from his experience that he believed to relate with the message he was trying to convey, JesusLife. But the complexity of his stories and the way he jumped from topic to topic really confused me and when he tried to bring it home at the end, it was too much. It was like the time i tired to make a 10 string lanyard. There is a limit to as many colors that can look good together until it just becomes a mess. But, something unexpected happened as I was having my daily phone call with my mom back in California. As I was trying to explain to her why this sermon had been so bad and confusing, I realized that this was actually one of the few sermons in the last months that I had actually really remembered the true meaning. Like, I knew exactly what he was trying to say and I really agree. Finally people weren't telling me to look to God for all of my strength and constantly rely on Him, because that just isn't realistic. If you rest on your faith for everything you are never going to learn how to be strong for yourself. Its not that you are supposed to embody Christ and work to be Him and work to try to emulate Him in everything you do. It's that Christ is always inside you. So, no matter what you do, as long as you act with a pure and honest intent and do what you know deep inside is true for yourself you are not dissappointing him. Christ is tough because He is inside you through all of your mitakes, but as long as you understand your mistakes, keep going, and never give up on yourself or others than he will never leave. My relationship with God has really been the longest and most stable relationship I've ever had. I know, when I went to church growing up it would be so I could sing in the Chorus, but as much as I tried to be "cool" like my sister and shrug off religion I have always had a deep faith in something other than pure humanity, but I needed it to be realistic. Today I found how it is realistic, from the substitute pastor. I feel like I have discovered how to express and understand my faith. And I thought I hadn't accomplished anything today.

But, to completely change subjects, my friend Gina writes a blog, that in a way inspired me to start mine, but she made this neat list and I'm copying her. They say imitation is the most sincere form of flattery....

I WANT: to live a life full of love and to have someone to share it with; be eloise and live at the Plaza

I HAVE: a fear of the sound outside my window and of answering the door after dark for a clear reason

I WISH: that one day I could get honest responses for EVERY question I have

I HATE: that the fear I have could have very well been prevented if it wasn't for stubborness

I MISS: middle school and limited too

I FEAR: fate, destiny, anything that says there is a specifc plan for me

I HEAR: the noise of nature, the crickets, frogs, trucks driving by behind the edge of forest and my mind racing

I SEARCH: for the drive to get through everyday

I WONDER: why I have been left with such a cheery disposition when nothing, but my mother, has really led me to be this way

I REGRET: doing things I promised myself I would never do, and not being honest about them; not taking advantage of my years of ballet, quitting piano, many many boys, idyllwild but for two completely opposite reasons, not streatching everyday...

I LOVE: 70 degree weather with a hint of a breeze while walking from the elmwood to solano with a cup of Peets Hibiscus Breeze in my hand knowing that I am going to see the people in the world who judge me the most but are still friends with me; cuddling

I ACHE: when I realize that I'm not going to be 19 forever in the JetBlue terminal of JFK; when I look deep into my moms eyes.

I ALWAYS: am worried, anxious, and nervous. I am constantly waiting for that life changing event to occur; imagine what would be in the movie of my life, if anything about me would be important enough to have a movie about

I AM NOT: weak

I DANCE: every moment of everyday, watch me walk, i'm dancing

I SING: constantly in my head, it is my dream that my life is actually one big musical so i'm constantly singing and dancing but it takes a set pair of eyes to figure it out

I CRY: always

I AM NOT ALWAYS: confident

I WRITE: in this and only when i am assigned to, i am not a "writer" in any sense

I WIN: always, i always win and am right and am the best, my parents and I have actually had this conversation

I LOSE: too often, but the winning IS more important

I CONFUSE: anyone who has JUST met me, I make the absolute strangest first impression