Today I turned 19.
It feels weird. I don't know what to think of 19. 18 was such a big age because of the voting thing and well... being 18 is huge, but I really don't know about 19. The age doesn't make sense because you're still a teenager but your really not a teen. You're too old for the teen activities at gatherings, but not considered an adult because you're still not 21. I have a feeling 20 is going to be a weird age as well. And then thinking that i'm going to be "in my twenties" a year from now freaks me out. Because next thing I know I'll be 24 then 28 then, god forbid, 30. And I fear that I won't be married, I'll be living with my mother in Berkeley with no career because I could never settle. I could never settle on anything. Even now I have so many back up plans for work and play in my life because I know what a fucking fickle person I am. I wish I could stick with something. I wish I had the will power to go through with everything I want to go through with. I wish I hadn't always ended things just when I got scared or bored. I wish I gave more people chances. I always say, have no regrets. But maybe because I think about trying not to regret things I end up regreting the things I did that in the moment I thought were the best.
I'm starting to realize how much life speeds past you. In life you are always counting down until something... the next birthday (365 days), the next time I will get to go home (14 days), the next time I will get to see you (?), so you don't take time to appreciate what is happening as you are living. Today the count down for me was to when my flight would get off the ground... 4 hours later on a runway in JFK with a crowd of Elon students sitting around me in the seats we finally took off. And that is how I spent my 19th birthday. It started off rocky with the rain, then smoothed out with a nice breakfast and a terrific cupcake, but ended up with me wanting to throw up all over a bowing 747. Lets just say I hope next year is better.
It feels weird. I don't know what to think of 19. 18 was such a big age because of the voting thing and well... being 18 is huge, but I really don't know about 19. The age doesn't make sense because you're still a teenager but your really not a teen. You're too old for the teen activities at gatherings, but not considered an adult because you're still not 21. I have a feeling 20 is going to be a weird age as well. And then thinking that i'm going to be "in my twenties" a year from now freaks me out. Because next thing I know I'll be 24 then 28 then, god forbid, 30. And I fear that I won't be married, I'll be living with my mother in Berkeley with no career because I could never settle. I could never settle on anything. Even now I have so many back up plans for work and play in my life because I know what a fucking fickle person I am. I wish I could stick with something. I wish I had the will power to go through with everything I want to go through with. I wish I hadn't always ended things just when I got scared or bored. I wish I gave more people chances. I always say, have no regrets. But maybe because I think about trying not to regret things I end up regreting the things I did that in the moment I thought were the best.
I'm starting to realize how much life speeds past you. In life you are always counting down until something... the next birthday (365 days), the next time I will get to go home (14 days), the next time I will get to see you (?), so you don't take time to appreciate what is happening as you are living. Today the count down for me was to when my flight would get off the ground... 4 hours later on a runway in JFK with a crowd of Elon students sitting around me in the seats we finally took off. And that is how I spent my 19th birthday. It started off rocky with the rain, then smoothed out with a nice breakfast and a terrific cupcake, but ended up with me wanting to throw up all over a bowing 747. Lets just say I hope next year is better.
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