It is May. I have 15 days left at Elon until I head home for the summer. I am finally falling in love with this place and everything it stands for and I will be leaving it for something like 96 days... I counted. This morning I went to Church, Spring Garden in Greensboro, and the normal pastor, Greg, wasn't there. This really upset me and my friend Ashton so from the minute the replacement opened his sermon we completely wrote him off. I listened, but I was confused through his use of aproximately 15 stories from his experience that he believed to relate with the message he was trying to convey, JesusLife. But the complexity of his stories and the way he jumped from topic to topic really confused me and when he tried to bring it home at the end, it was too much. It was like the time i tired to make a 10 string lanyard. There is a limit to as many colors that can look good together until it just becomes a mess. But, something unexpected happened as I was having my daily phone call with my mom back in California. As I was trying to explain to her why this sermon had been so bad and confusing, I realized that this was actually one of the few sermons in the last months that I had actually really remembered the true meaning. Like, I knew exactly what he was trying to say and I really agree. Finally people weren't telling me to look to God for all of my strength and constantly rely on Him, because that just isn't realistic. If you rest on your faith for everything you are never going to learn how to be strong for yourself. Its not that you are supposed to embody Christ and work to be Him and work to try to emulate Him in everything you do. It's that Christ is always inside you. So, no matter what you do, as long as you act with a pure and honest intent and do what you know deep inside is true for yourself you are not dissappointing him. Christ is tough because He is inside you through all of your mitakes, but as long as you understand your mistakes, keep going, and never give up on yourself or others than he will never leave. My relationship with God has really been the longest and most stable relationship I've ever had. I know, when I went to church growing up it would be so I could sing in the Chorus, but as much as I tried to be "cool" like my sister and shrug off religion I have always had a deep faith in something other than pure humanity, but I needed it to be realistic. Today I found how it is realistic, from the substitute pastor. I feel like I have discovered how to express and understand my faith. And I thought I hadn't accomplished anything today.

But, to completely change subjects, my friend Gina writes a blog, that in a way inspired me to start mine, but she made this neat list and I'm copying her. They say imitation is the most sincere form of flattery....

I WANT: to live a life full of love and to have someone to share it with; be eloise and live at the Plaza

I HAVE: a fear of the sound outside my window and of answering the door after dark for a clear reason

I WISH: that one day I could get honest responses for EVERY question I have

I HATE: that the fear I have could have very well been prevented if it wasn't for stubborness

I MISS: middle school and limited too

I FEAR: fate, destiny, anything that says there is a specifc plan for me

I HEAR: the noise of nature, the crickets, frogs, trucks driving by behind the edge of forest and my mind racing

I SEARCH: for the drive to get through everyday

I WONDER: why I have been left with such a cheery disposition when nothing, but my mother, has really led me to be this way

I REGRET: doing things I promised myself I would never do, and not being honest about them; not taking advantage of my years of ballet, quitting piano, many many boys, idyllwild but for two completely opposite reasons, not streatching everyday...

I LOVE: 70 degree weather with a hint of a breeze while walking from the elmwood to solano with a cup of Peets Hibiscus Breeze in my hand knowing that I am going to see the people in the world who judge me the most but are still friends with me; cuddling

I ACHE: when I realize that I'm not going to be 19 forever in the JetBlue terminal of JFK; when I look deep into my moms eyes.

I ALWAYS: am worried, anxious, and nervous. I am constantly waiting for that life changing event to occur; imagine what would be in the movie of my life, if anything about me would be important enough to have a movie about

I AM NOT: weak

I DANCE: every moment of everyday, watch me walk, i'm dancing

I SING: constantly in my head, it is my dream that my life is actually one big musical so i'm constantly singing and dancing but it takes a set pair of eyes to figure it out

I CRY: always

I AM NOT ALWAYS: confident

I WRITE: in this and only when i am assigned to, i am not a "writer" in any sense

I WIN: always, i always win and am right and am the best, my parents and I have actually had this conversation

I LOSE: too often, but the winning IS more important

I CONFUSE: anyone who has JUST met me, I make the absolute strangest first impression

If I had my way I would move to Hawaii and never look back. At least, that's what my sister did. But in conjuction with moving to Hawaii I would also be the White House Press Secretary. I guess this is my first realization that dreams don't always come true.

My summer is going to be awful. Why oh why did I decided to get ahead and decide to take German at Cal? Why can't I be a lazy bum? Please tell me.

All I want to do is get home, unpack, put 3 bathing suites and 3 sundresses in a suitcase with my jack sandals and go to Hawaii. Temporarily move in with Wendy, my sister, get a job working at one of the MANY beach front Hotels and be set for the summer.

And WHY am I not doing that? Because I have friends I will miss, I have a GERMAN class to take, I have a good job, and I have Lair.

I am so close to giving up all of that for Hawaii, except the friends.

As I sit at my computer watching my umpteenth episode of Law & Order SVU today I have come to the end of the day of maybe the most decisive day of my life. I know what I'm going to do... well at least for the next four years. I have decided on my Major, and my Minors. Thats right mom, there is an S at the end of the word Minors. I am going to be a Political Science Major, surprise surprise, and a Criminal Justice and History Minor AND I could not be more excited. I also know that I am going to to TWO winter terms abroad and am going to take a summer course at UCB this summer while working at La Med. I am finally being productive. Musical Theater has taken over my life for so long, because I thought I was being productive, but I wasn't. I really really wasn't. I mean, I always want to be in shows with my family and everyone in whatever community I live in, BUT that is not going to be my profession. I can't WAIT for next semester for an assortment of reasons:

a) I am going to be taking classes in my major and directing the rest of my life.

b) I will be living in the house, closer to all of my classes, closer to all of my friends, in SUCH a more convienient spot on campus.

c) JULIA IS hopefully GOING TO COME AND VISIT.

I just know that next semester is going to be a great improvement and I if could fast forward right now, I would.

As I sit awake in bed at 1:50 in the morning I have realized that I've never pulled an all nighter, but I don't know if I want to start now. I have an outline of a paper hidden behind my facebook and blogger screen waiting to be touched, but all I can think is not yet. I don't think I'm ready to finish it yet. I want to so that sleep could be a possibility, but I don't want to because currently I'm not content enough to go to sleep.

This morning I finally vocalized my biggest fear in life, a fear I've known I've had for quite some time now, but something I had not completley admitted. The fear of being along for the rest of my life. We all think we're going to be, but somehow I know that I'm going to be the exception. I'm going to be the bridesmaid who never gets married. I'm going to be the cool aunt, and mother's best friend who doesn't have a family of her own, so she is always there to help out.. to fill some sort of a void. And I think the worst part of that fear is that I am quickly coming to realize that if I never get married, if I never have children.... I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. I have no idea what I want to take up my time. I am an incredibly impatient person who can't even stay at a school for longer than three years without qswitching it up, so how am I supposed to have stability in my work life. I always need a new challenge, I always need my own time to do what I need to do. How am I supposed to work behind a desk? This fear of being alone is really a fear of being stuck, stuck in a life that I will know nothing about and I'll sit one day and think where that girl was who wore the pink chino pants and ran around Berkeley like she had nothing to lose. And I don't want that. I need someone who will love me for exactly who I am, the ups and the downs, the cool to the crazy... because I really can be crazy. And, I'm afraid that I'll never find him. I'm afraid that god thinks I have enough incredible friends that have been there for me since the sixth grade, that I don't need anything else. Because in these last eight/nine years this group has given me everything I've needed. Stability, love, trust, emotional support, sometimes physical too (there are boys in this group..) that I haven't needed to stray from it. I have, but never out of necessity. Everything I could possibly need in like I get from these qtwelve people... but what if I want it all from one. Am I being selfish?