Slowing Down and Catching Up

I spend too much time playing catch up.

I constantly am trying to catch up with everything on campus. I've turned into the last person to hear the news, which is very different from who I was in high school. I feel like I spend my time hear being the last person to arrive at the party, the last one to hear about what happened the night before and especially the last one anyone cares about. But with all this catching up I hardly have time for anything. So, while catching up I need to learn how to sow down. I learned this at Idyllwild, I just need to relearn it here. I need to remind myself that its ok to stay in for a night, and that if I did miss a party or big event or something its not the end of the world. I see myself retreating into old habits I had at Berkeley High where academics where definitely not my number one priority. This is COLLEGE. They need to be first on the list. Enough is enough, and I need to realize that. I know its going to sound so hypocritical because, after all, i WAS the SEVENTH person to register for rush in January, BUT I want to be in a sorority for more than the parties. I want to participate in community service. My first choice, at this point, has The Altzheimers Foundation as their national philanthropy, and I couldn't be happier. Along with my grandmother being a sister in that group, the philanthropy gives me the opportunity to raise money for research and awareness for something that has begun to affect my grandfather. But, like always, I can't get my hopes up. Even though, I always tell myself not to get my hopes up and I end up raising them so high. Before I won prom queen I was sitting at the table saying to myself, you're not going to win, you're not going to win, while actually all I could think about was that it was going to happen. And in that situation, I got lucky. But normally i'm not so lucky. Like this entire summer... but that is NOT something for the world wide web.

I am so ADD. I really need to do something about this.

WOW

I am currently sitting in a coffee shop across the street from my school overhearing, definitely NOT trying to listen in on these two girls' conversation. I actually want to walk over to them and tell them to SHUT UP. First of all, its like these girls are having a COMPETITION to see whose life is worse and whos divorced parents hate eachother more. "My parents got divorced when I was 8 and they haven't seen each other since..." "Well, my parents lived in the same house without talking to eachother for ten years...." "Well, my dad calls me my mom's name when he's mad at me because he considers it an insult..." "Well, my dad is a raving drunk and calls me every other day to tell me he's not going to pay for college anymore..."

Okay, so I understand if you've had a hard time the past couple of years and you need someone to talk to but please, PLEASE, don't do it at 10am on a Monday morning in a coffee shop filled with students. Plus, when you want to have one of these conversations make SURE its with someone who will listen to you and offer advice, especially when its about something as hard to deal with as parents' marital problems.

These last two years I have begun to understand how important true friends really are. It is so important to stop talking and listen sometimes, and instead of going out to a party maybe spend a night just hanging out with your girls, because they're the ones who will always be there for you. Not the girl who gave you a sip of her drink, the girl who asked what was in it, who made it, and made sure you have a ride home for the night. I don't understand why friendships have to be competitions. So what you had a similar experience a couple years ago, if a friend is in the middle of a serious talk with you don't interrupt. Let them get everything out.

Girls can be catty, and backstabbing, and are the MOST passive aggressive people you will ever meet in your life, BUT they are also the best. When you need a friend there for you and they come through they can be the best. We understand each other.

I don't really know what this post is about other than the fact that these girls sitting next to me are driving me crazyyyyyyyyyyyy.

Starting Now

I guess I have always wanted to try this blogging thing, but I realized I've been living for 18, almost 19 years, where is a good starting point? I realized just this morning that I guess the first month of college is a change big enough to start a blog. I didn't want to start anything in the middle, so I guess this is fresh... well as fresh as it can get after being at college for a month. I guess a lot has happened, but at the same time I feel like I still moved in yesterday. I moved into Danieley Flat I with my seven amazing suite mates exactly a month ago today. Its so hard to believe.

College is hard. Not academically necessarily, but I do need to work harder in Statistics... maybe doing the homework would be a good starting point. College is hard because its not home. I guess I have gone to so many different summer camps, been in so many different shows, that every time I've tried something "new" in my life there has been at least one person there who I knew, or at least knew of from home. There has always been someone to connect me back. But, in Elon, North Carolina, there isn't. I entered this new world, because it really is compared to Berkeley, basically alone. Not one familiar face. I've always prided myself on my ability to make friends, but for some reason here i've had the hardest time. I wanted to start all over in college. I wanted to change. I mean, I had an amazing time in high school, but I don't know if I like who i'm becoming. Somehow, changing is a lot harder than it seems. I keep slipping back into my procrastination and other things and I just want to stop.

I guess I also thought I knew what I wanted to do with my life, boy was I wrong. I cannot stand theater. Ok, so I love it, but I will never ever study it ever again. Theater cannot CANNOT be anything other than a hobby for me. When it is anything else it becomes work and I no longer enjoy it and I cannot turn the lone thing I really love into an obligation. It has to be something I choose to do, not something I'm forced to do. I guess if I learned anything in Idyllwild that would be it. Again, don't get me wrong, I'm so glad I went there for my senior year. The people I met there really helped me understand myself. I guess that's what happens when you meet new people. They help you see a side of yourself that you never knew existed or they help you bring out a part of yourself that you wanted to show, but couldn't before.

(Something to know about me: I ramble.)

But College is hard. Not only am I going through ridiculous changes and meeting new people and all that, but my best friends are too and I hate that I'm not there with them experiencing everything. I am so jealous of everyone else. I want to know what the Boston parties are like and what the traditions at Wellsley are. I want to know what its really like to be at a USC vs. UCLA football game. I want to know what living a block away from Lincoln Center is like, and I really want to have friend who could take me out with the cast of Spring Awakening, and meet Natalie Weiss. I also would've loved to be able to go to Central Park last Monday to be in the season finale of The Battery's Down. I want to see my friends with their sororities and understand their experiences. In short, I am incredibly jealous that my friends are having these amazing experiences without me. But I guess that's what college is. Growing apart from the kids back home.

Before I left my friend told me she read this article that said your freshmen year of college school life and home life are equally important to you. Every year school gets a little bit more important while home fades away. I don't know what I'm going to do if that happens. I just spent the last 18 years of my life making friendships that I plan on lasting a lifetime. I mean my bridesmaids are at home. I don't understand how four years can rule out 18. So basically, I am going to do everything in my power for that not to happen.

(Something else to know about me: I don't let go of things easily and I cannot spell)