In the last month or so since my last post I have been doing a lot of thinking. There have been multiple occasions when something has happened that I've wanted to write about, but I would get to my computer at a time that I was to tired or focused on finals to really write. Many things I've wanted to talk about have also been a little too specific to put on the internet. But things I've wanted to write about include:
- Coming home after exactly one hundred days of being away.
- A Chorus Line
- The difference between a relationship and being exclusive with someone, (because when it comes down to it, there isn't a difference).
- How my heart seems to break all to easily.
- Why I am going to stop drinking.
- Finding respect for myself, which I was seriously lacking.
- My family.
Each of these things could really be a full length post on their own, but seeing as I was seriously lacking in free time to type about everything I was feeling I'm going to have to cram this here.
1. Before the holidays when everyone at Elon was preparing to go home they were all so sad. Everyone had made friends at Elon that they liked better than the ones at home. I honestly don't understand it. I've made good friends at school, I really have but there is no comparing to the people at home. I've been making friends in the bay area since I started pre school at Mrs. Griffins. In all honesty the majority of my friends now I've only had since the sixth grade, but still that is so long. I started at Prospect Sierra in 2001, and now its 2008 almost 2009 and the friendships I made there have only gotten stronger. I just don't understand how you're supposed to spend 18 years making these incredible friendships and they're just supposed to fade away in college. It doesn't make sence to me. I have this incredible group that knows so much about me and knows when I can take some playful criticism and when I can't. They know all about my crazy-complicated boy related issues. They know that my volume control goes out the window whenever I get excited, if I even had volume control to begin with. They know EVERYTHING, and what? People in college are just supposed to trump that out? I couldn't imagine life without these kids, because thats what we are, kids. I mean, I may be going to jury duty and voting, but on the inside I am still that awkward thirteen year old, and my friends know that. They know whats up. So coming home I was crazy nervous because I was afraid that after an ok first semester at college I'd just been building them up and maybe they weren't as wonderful as I'd remembered... but I was so right. These people are amazing. After last night there is no comparing.
2. Ok... after that. A Chorus Line. ACL was the senior show this winter at Elon, and it was fantastic. BUT it got me thinking back to 2005 when I was this 6' tall freshmen in ACL with all these seniors who scared me to death, because I thought they all HATED me. But that show made my LIFE. I mean, being in ACL when you are fifteen singing about all the awkward teenage years is really ironic. I was singing about experimentation and growing up as I was growing up. And boy did I grow up in that production. Now its a bit TMI for a blog but I had A LOT of firsts during that production... not that first, but a lot of them. I was surrounded by all the cool older high school kids, at least thats how they seemed to me, and they were. Theatre at BHS really went in a downhill slope after the class of 2005 graduated. But ACL was such a major part of my growing up and i'm so glad I had the opportunity to be in it. Watching the senior's show reminded me of that fact.
3. Can someone PLEASE explain to me what the difference between having a relationship and being exclusive. I mean, really. Ok - being exclusive - you've promised the other person that they're the only person you're hooking up with. This means that a) you care about the other person enough to make a promise to them; b) you obviously aren't interested in anyone else enough to keep your options open; and c) you aren't afraid of committment because a promise to be exclusive is a committment. And don't those three critera meet in a relationship also?
4. I want to talk about this... but not yet. Not until I get to visit the third person I was looking forward to seeing this break.
5. For anyone who knew me in high school, this part comes as a shock... which is part of the reason I'm doing it. I love changing my state of mind just as much as the next person, using substance as a way to escape all the thoughts that are constantly going through my head about problems at home, and problems that I seem to create for myself. I use substance as a way to escape from the real world, but the truth is when you're drunk you're still in the real world and you are making decisions that are going to be very real the next day when you're no longer in a state that allows you to disregard the consequences of your actions. I don't need to do that anymore. Yes, I'm still going to have the occational glass of wine, or beer BUT I no longer want to drink to get drunk, which is what most people my age do. I got to Elon with a lot of people who hadn't had the crazy high school experiance I had had. They didn't go to the kinds of parties I went to, so a kegger was a new consept to them. Kids at Berkeley High make it a goal to grow up too fast. We partied like college kids, but freshmen year. And to be honest, our parties were better. Having at least four themed dance parties a year that EVERYONE went to really was incredible. Now that I'm in college I've already done the whole "lets get crazy and not remember this tomorrow" thing. I'm ready to do well and get good grades and strive for excelence... definitely something I didn't do in high school.
6. Numbers five and six really go along hand in hand. With not drinking comes the fact that I need to start taking responsibility for myself. I need to not contaminate my body with things that are hazardous. I want to live a healthy life which doesn't involve liver or lung cancer. I also need to respect myself. I need to learn how to make the best decisions for myself and not for whoever is around me at the time. I need to start taking better care of me. I need to be happy with everything in my life because there are so many people out there that don't have anything close to what I do; that haven't been given opportunities like I have. I need to understand how good I have it.
7. Another one that is too touchy. I think the only time I've ever actually articulated exactly how I feel about this situation was to Wes when he was driving me home. Its like it was word vomit. He asked me one question and I didn't shut up from the marin circle to dwight and shattuck. It was like this inner monologue that needed to flow out but hadn't been given an opportunity to yet. But now that I know what I want to say and do I have the absolute hardest time being in a room with him, not that it was all happy go lucky before. But everytime I even see him I want to run and hide so I won't just start yelling and put myself in danger. I don't know what anyone else thinks, but in my opinion its 100% not ok to sleep in a house that you don't even feel safe in.
Ahhhhhhhhhh. I feel better now.
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