As I sit awake in bed at 1:50 in the morning I have realized that I've never pulled an all nighter, but I don't know if I want to start now. I have an outline of a paper hidden behind my facebook and blogger screen waiting to be touched, but all I can think is not yet. I don't think I'm ready to finish it yet. I want to so that sleep could be a possibility, but I don't want to because currently I'm not content enough to go to sleep.

This morning I finally vocalized my biggest fear in life, a fear I've known I've had for quite some time now, but something I had not completley admitted. The fear of being along for the rest of my life. We all think we're going to be, but somehow I know that I'm going to be the exception. I'm going to be the bridesmaid who never gets married. I'm going to be the cool aunt, and mother's best friend who doesn't have a family of her own, so she is always there to help out.. to fill some sort of a void. And I think the worst part of that fear is that I am quickly coming to realize that if I never get married, if I never have children.... I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. I have no idea what I want to take up my time. I am an incredibly impatient person who can't even stay at a school for longer than three years without qswitching it up, so how am I supposed to have stability in my work life. I always need a new challenge, I always need my own time to do what I need to do. How am I supposed to work behind a desk? This fear of being alone is really a fear of being stuck, stuck in a life that I will know nothing about and I'll sit one day and think where that girl was who wore the pink chino pants and ran around Berkeley like she had nothing to lose. And I don't want that. I need someone who will love me for exactly who I am, the ups and the downs, the cool to the crazy... because I really can be crazy. And, I'm afraid that I'll never find him. I'm afraid that god thinks I have enough incredible friends that have been there for me since the sixth grade, that I don't need anything else. Because in these last eight/nine years this group has given me everything I've needed. Stability, love, trust, emotional support, sometimes physical too (there are boys in this group..) that I haven't needed to stray from it. I have, but never out of necessity. Everything I could possibly need in like I get from these qtwelve people... but what if I want it all from one. Am I being selfish?

It is a weird thing when something you have anticipated for so long happens. I guess this has happened to me a lot recently with college and certain events over my extended winter break, but especially last week and Sunday. Anticipation is a very funny thing. It can either make something amazing because all the nervous energy you are feeling explodes or it can create "The Brokeback effect" as I call it. When someone has told you so much about how amaing something is going to be and then when it happens you're ready for this life changing thing and... oh... its whatever. Thats what happened to me with Brokeback Mountain. But that is NOT what is happeneing to me now and last week and last sunday because I am now a pledge in the Epsilon Chi chapter of Alpha Omicron Pi at Elon University and couldn't be happier.

Do you ever do something and it just clicks, or talk to someone and know that very moment that you could be best friends with them? Well, that is what I experienced last week when I first entered the AOII house. I have been dreaming of joining a sorority for as long as I can remember and even the first few days have surpassed all of my expectations. There is really no way to describe how much I love walking around campus with my I <3 AOII pin.

But anticipation has been a major feeling I've had in the past couple of months and finally I'm not anticipating anything because everything has happened. Be it a good or a bad thing I'm really glad that I've gotten back into my habit of following my gut becuase life got a little boring and now its returning to form. Being home was so good for me. It was the exact refreshing feeling I needed to give me a jump start for second semester.

Four Days Left

... until I go back to school. I have ordered all of my books off of Amazon, saving SO MUCH because the book store at school likes to drain the students bank accounts, and as of tomorrow I will have started packing. But, the exciting thing is that one of my classes required more material than could be purchased from Amazon. An Acoustic GUITAR! Typing with my new nails is proving t be a lt more complicated than I remember and they're going to hae to go before my most anticipated class of Spring 2009 begins, but yes I am finally going to do my best at learning how to play the guitar. Playing the guitar has been a goal of mine for a very long time and I am finally doing something about it. I am seriously hoping that I have more luck with this thn the drums, piano, trumpet, violin, and flute (all instruments I have dabbled with). But the difference between guitar and those others is that guitar is not only something I want to learn, it is something I need to learn. Its a long story but a job that is part of my current five year plan requires that I am fluent in guitar, so I am finally taking matters into my own hands because freaky friday isn't real and i won't wake up one day having traded lives with Santana.












I am also excited about going back to school for many other reasons than just the guitar;

Number 1: I get to rush. People make fun of me for it, but it doesn't change the fact that I have been dreaming about being in a Sorority since I could pronounce Delta Gamma. Unfortunatly, there is no DG at Elon, so I've ad to do some reconsidering, but going into recruitment I feel incredibly prepared. I feel like I have done enough aequate research on every house that now I can relax an meet the girls and find what feels like home... well as much as could feel like home in NC. I am excited to dress in my buisness casual and cocktail atire. I am excited to learn all about different organizations phialnthropys, but most of all I am excited to meet a huge group of girls who have all gone through their first year at college and have miraculously survived. I am excited to have sisters at school, since I miss mine so much.

Number 2: Getting closer to picking my major. Political Science or History or some combination of the two. I am taking American Government and US History Since 1865. Both classes that I am incredibly excited about with teachers who did really well on Rate My Prof. These are the subjects I have been interested in since as long as I can remember and having both of them at once is like BOOM, as Chris would say and Catie would try to.

Number 3: I am ready for it to be summer and having school start means its closer. As simple as that.

Number 4: This really shouldn't be four it should be one but I am missing the girls of Danieley I 203, and Cocloughy (sp?) 101, 102 and that one boy in 103. I am excited to see everyone again and to get back into the swing of things. Going to visit Ben at Stanford made me want to get back to my own college campus.

All in all I have a lot to do before I go, but it is time to go back. I finally understand what that feels like.

I worked on my Lair app today for an hour or so. I forgot what it was like to apply to something. The ever so hard work of glorifying yourself without seeming completely pompous, but unfortunately that's all I could feel. How am I supposed to be Brief explaining my experience in Music/Theater when the greater part of the last nineteen years of my life have been making sure that my experience in Music/Theater was NOT brief in the least bit. How do you make yourself sound desirable without seeming like you are completly self obsessed? And on top of that how do you do it in a professional manor when all you want is your charm to come through?

This is something I'm going to have to work on, but it has to be quick because I need to get this in as soon as possible; before I decide not to apply because of a certain person who makes me want to stay home. Is being in the same place with a person for more than a day too much to ask for?

I added music to my blog page today. I find it exciting. Its not like myspace was where you went to someone's page and instantly you were flodded with their music overlapping your iTunes because this you can turn to click on and off. But I like that what has been on loop on my computer is now another puzzle piece in this thing that is supposed to help me express myself in a way that I hadn't before.

When I was in middle school I would keep journals because I figured when they made my life into a movie some day it would be good for them to have details... but then I realized, all they had to do was talk to anyone who knew me and they would know everything I did with every moment of my day. Not to long ago a friend of mine asked me if I had any deep dark secrets and as I pondered the question I realized that no, I don't. I really truly don't. In some ways I wish I did, someting to make myself more mysterious. But I find that talking things out is the way to go. If you can't figure something out in your own head that is very important, you shoul talk it out and you are certain to find that a friend might have an opinion on the subject that you had not considered before. My close friends have helped me with those opinions this break more than any before and have made ceratin behaviors in my life become crystal clear. It is a great comfort to know that there are people with more knowledge than me out there, because if you know everything there is nothing left to learn and the world becomes very boring.

This started out about applications... wow.